Goodbye my almost lover

It is hard to decide matter over matter. To think whats right from wrong and what’s good from bad. And what’s even harder to have the pain you never thought you will experienced. I feel so immature to let him go and answer him with no. We are almost perfect and there to be called as lover. He is nice and He make feel beautiful and happy every time. He is so special to me. He never fail to text me sweet words to show he cares. He is there for me all the time sadness or in happiness. He support me in everything I do. He pay attention to every detail connected to me. He even make effort to know my family, friends but in the end I don’t allow him to totally be part of my life.

I am insane I like him but I push him away. I don't want to fall in love But I don’t know what happen to us. I couldn’t even recognize when did I start this unusual feeling with him. I myself couldn’t explain it. What I am sure is that I don’t what to be involved in any relationship or commitment. I am so afraid to get hurt and be broken. To let others have me as their own or either to share my dreams, thoughts and happiness with them. I am selfish but he don’t mind my attitude he still there by my side. He never leave me. I know he is so different and I comfortable with him.  I am okay with what we have.

He is a Friend, brother,teacher,doctor or even a clown of my life. Its really funny right knowing you already have him then suddenly it falls in a wrong place.He propose to me but I rejected it giving him a hanging reason. I still don’t know how to love. And I still don’t know what is love. I keep him as friend even if he deserve more than that. I don’t what to lose him. I want to secure that he will always be my back up or crying shoulder. That we will remind the way we are happy enjoying the late up night conversation, support him on his basketball game, laughing at stupid jokes like pick up lines, texting and calling each other unexpectedly, chatting most of the time and surprising each other.He use to call my name in his sweetest tone. He sing for me every time he feels I am down or unhappy. He hold my hands on the time of my silence.

We are so young and we enjoy helping kids and doing the same thing together. He is really a kuya to his step brother and sister. He show me how He value his mother. He cooks delicious food just to make me fat or add weight. For me He is everything and his all that I need. We perfectly fits or match for each other.But I think in the very beginning I made a wrong decision.

One day I woke up missing the closeness we have. Waiting to bring back  the old us. I wish I could change things. And keep him as mine. He already told me he is courting other girl and I have nothing to worry I will be his bunso and special someone forever but I feel guilty that his dating other girl but he never stop making feel that happiness. I know that girl get jealous to me most of the time she even confront me. I am confuse with what status I have. I don’t know where to place myself to them. It feels like I am a witch in a fairy tale story. I am hurting them both and even myself is splitting apart. Now I decided to stop this special friendship for I am just putting myself to a complicated situation. That I know I am not bad person to ruin other relation. 

I feel sorry for myself I miss him. I can help but think of him and us if we just become one. I have to live on my own knowing that even if his not mine I will still be fine. Question come to bother me but in the end I can only love Him in my dream. that I should say goodbye to a guy who is almost my lover.